


Low on Self-Esteem (so you run on gasoline)

by inkslinger_outlaw



Category: Steven Universe - Fandom
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Other, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Character, WIP, possible suicide attempt later, tags to be decided, what you see is what i have so far
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-01
Updated: 2015-10-20
Packaged: 2018-04-24 06:24:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4908751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkslinger_outlaw/pseuds/inkslinger_outlaw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If fucking up were an olympic sport, you'd have a solid gold medal probably. That's just kind of how much you suck.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> not my first fanfic, but it is my first for this fandom. please be gentle

The sun beats down on my back as I make my way to The Big Doughnut. Another fun filled day of irritable customers and trying to take it as easy as possible so I don't totally collapse from exhaustion. Ugh. I turn the volume of my music down as I draw nearer. I may hate talking to people, but I do still work here. Well... I'm an employee anyways. A shitty one.

Sighing, I yank the door open and slump my way in. I catch Sadie looking at me with worry out of the corner of my eyes. She's been doing that more lately. Watching me. Looking like she wants to say something but stopping herself each time. I wish she wouldn't care at all. I'm no one to lose sleep over. I give a vague wave to her as I make my way to the backroom to throw my shit in my locker. Julie is back there and I groan quietly. She musta just got off her shift. Too bad she's not fucking gone yet. I ignore her as best as I can, but unfortunately for me she doesn't give the same curteousy.

"Ooh, Lars~ You're actually here on time? That's a surprise!" I roll my eyes and take the padlock off my locker and quickly shove my backpack inside. Maybe if I ignore her she'll stop. God, I wish I wouldn't have turned my music down at all.

"You know," she starts snidely and I grit my teeth together. "I feel so bad for Sadie, having to work with 'Lars the Lazy' and all. You must suck a lot of dick to keep this job, huh?" I slam the locker shut and spin around. 

"Shut the fuck up, Julie! I don't need your shit! What'd I ever do to you, huh?!" She walks up to me, shoving me into the cold metal behind me.

"You're disgusting. A freak. Maybe not everyone knows your dirty secrets, but I do." She smirks. "I read your employee file. Or did you forget, _Lauren_?" I see red and push her away, staring her down. 

"Fuck off," I snarl, " You don't scare me. I don't care what you think you know. Leave me the hell alone." She frowns and brushes her hair out of her eyes.

"Fine. Be that way. Don't be surprised when you start noticing people whispering behind your back, though." She leaves and I hear her say some kind of goodbye to Sadie. I just... kind of stand there breathing heavily.

And staring. And being useless like always. I place my hand on the wallet in my back pocket. Maybe I could just... I clench my other hand into a fist and Sadie slowly opens the door. I whip my hand away from my wallet like it's on fire. I try to not look guilty as my coworker walks up to me.

"Hey, are you alright? I know you and Julie don't get along and I heard yelling, so..." My heart's hammering and I sneer to cover myself up. Did Sadie hear? Does she know?

"Pfft, I'm fine. Julie's a huge cunt. I don't care what she has to say." Sadie frowns and I know I'm about to get scolded.

"I know you don't like her, but you shouldn't call her that, Lars. That's mean." I resist the urge to roll my eyes. You should hear the shit she says to me, Sadie...

"Whatever. I'm gonna punch in and stock the fridge."

I can feel Sadie's eyes burn a hole in my back all the way to the register.

It's nearing the end of the day and the door jingles. I take a glance and frown when I see Steven. He's a good kid, but... He's clingy. He gets too attached to people. And he has this unsettling way of looking through people that makes me extremely uncomfortable for literally every reason. He grins as he walks up to the counter and I try to do the same. It feels more like I'm grimacing though.

"Hey, Lars!"

"Hey, Steven... " 

"Two Raspberry Jellies, please!" 

"Yeah, sure thing." Ringing him up, I tell him to have a good day, but he doesn't leave yet. "Eh, I think Sadies's in the back. You want me to get her?"

Steven frowns a little and just keep looking at me. I look anywhere but at him, getting irritated. 

"Are you ok, Lars? You seem really sad lately." My stomach drops a little as I tap my nails against the counter. Am I that obvious? Can everyone tell I'm fucked up so easily? I mean... even Ronaldo called me 'emotionally disturbed' after all. He's not wrong... I tap my nails a little harder.

Rolling my eyes, I huff. "I'm fine, jeez. I think you need glasses, Steven." He opens his mouth again, but Sadie saves me by coming back up front. 

"Oh, hey Steven! How are you?" Steven's grinning again as they spend the next couple of minutes talking. I sneak to the back and sit at the table, head in my hands. Shit... I don't want anyone knowing about my mental state. I don't want anyone knowing anything about me. They'd just use it against me and use it to hurt me. I breathe deeply, shaking a little. My heart starts pounding and I just... I can't be here. I gotta leave. Right now. I shove my headphones back on, letting Lordi pound in my skull. The volume's cranked to eleven as I practically sprint out through the lobby. I feel bad just leaving Sadie like that but... 

Holding tears back while I sprint all the way back home isn't really successful. I pass Ronaldo at one point. He looks surprised and opens his mouth, but I just look away as I speed past him, face red and wet. _'I gotta get home. I gotta fix myself. I can fix this!'_

With shaking hands I unlock my house, not checking or fucking caring if anyome's even home. My room feels like a sanctuary once I reach it. Shoving my desk in front of my door quickly, I try to breathe regularly again. I jump as my phone chimes, startling me badly enough that I clutch at my already tight chest. I frown when I see it's a text from Sadie.

[To Lars]/[From] Sadie: { **I can't believe you left me to close the store again all by myself! Why do you even bother coming to work at all, Lars? You never even do anything. I'm not covering for you this time.** }

[To Lars]/[From] Sadie: { **I'm sick of you using me. I care about you but you don't care about anyone but yourself. Just. Lose my number you jerk!** }

My knuckles are white as I clutch my phone. It feels like all the air's being sucked from my lungs, but I deserve this. I'm such an asshole and now I've lost Sadie because I can't fucking get my shit together and be a decent person because I don't even know why I'm so fucked up all the time! My eyes burn and I wipe my sleeve across my face while I reply.

[To Sadie]/[From] Lars: { **I'm sorry I'm such an asshole. I can't fix this.** }

I throw my phone against the wall and bite my knuckle, trying to hold in my cries only to make horrible whining noises. My phone chimes and chimes and I finally pull my wallet from my back pocket. Opening it, I take out the razorblade set behind my license. ' _I'm ok, I'm ok I'm going to be ok and I'm gonna fix this and I'll be fine like I always am!_ ' I roughly push up my right sleeve, irritating my new cuts enough to make them start spotting blood again. I just repeat fuck over and over again even as I press the razor into my arm and slice it across my skin. I repeat fuck like a prayer as I exhale heavily, my whole body bursting with static as I cut my arm more, deeper. One is never enough and the deeper I go the better I'll feel. Once my head feels filled with cotton is when I finally shove the bloodied metal back into my wallet. I can't give two shits about it staining anything right now. 

I watch my arm numbly as it bleeds sluggishly. Warm blood runs down the length of it from he crease of my elbow to my fingertips and fuck it feels good. My floor stains with blood and I don't bother cleaning up either the floor or myself as I crawl into bed. The desk is in front of my door. I'll be fine and no one'll see. I just can't be fucked to do anything else today. My phones ringing, but I ignore it. I don't care what anyone has to say to me.

I stare at the wall blankly and I should probably take off my binder but I just. Do. Not. Care. All I do so is stare until my eyes close of their own volition. Today wasn't a good day. Work's gonna suck tomorrow... 

Maybe I'll just stay home. Or kill myself. 

That works too.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lars you're so stupid just let ppl help you

I'm groggy when I wake up. Sunlight peeks around the heavy blanket covering my window. I just groan and roll over. I don't want to be alive right now let alone awake. There's a pulsing ache in my shredded arm and my eyes burn with restless sleep. Just fucking kill me.

There's soft tapping at my door and a quiet, "Lauren, sweetie?" follows. My chest stings. It's not just due to the binder I'm still wearing, though. There's one more knock and a bit of shuffling, then I don't hear anything at all. 

I feel very away from myself in that moment. Completely detached from who I am. I don't even feel like a person anymore. My body is here and I can feel myself breathe and body twitch involuntarily, but I don't feel like I'm doing it. I'm in my body, but I don't feel like I'm here. My body rolls over and my eyes stare at the faint glow around my window. I feel rooted. Even if I wanted my being to move, I don't think I could make it. 

I'm vaguely aware that I'm probably way past being able to go into work. Sadie's right. I don't know why I even bother going into work.

I don't know why I bother being around at all.

A sigh escapes my mouth and my eyes close again.

I'm just... so fucking tired.

I jolt awake again to loud banging on my door. I don't even know where the fuck I am for a moment I'm so disoriented.

"Lars! Lars open up! You didn't come in to work today and I was _by myself_ all morning! **Lars!** " 

Ugh, what the fuck, Sadie. You can't just tell me I'm useless as shit then get mad at me when I don't come into work. I grumble and fall out of bed trying to get up. My ribs scream in protest and I groan. 

"I'm breaking this door down and giving you a piece if my mind!" 

I quickly yank on a sweater to hide the evidence of my stupid breakdown and trip once getting to my door. It pushes open slightly as Sadie tries forcing desk back. I raise an eyebrow, but I'm not surprised. That desk is metal, but Sadie might as well be a bodybuilder for the kind of strength she has. I sigh heavily push the door shut again from where it's open a crack. 

"Hold your damn horses! Fat christ..." I brace myself against the wall and kick the desk back with my feet and the thing _bangs_ against the wall. A bunch of my shit goes tumbling to the floor, but I don't really care at all. It can fucking stay there. Besides, it's mostly just my stupid art bullshit. I haven't even picked up a pencil or brush in weeks.

I suck in a deep breath. Or try to. Feels like I can't get enough air. Whatever. Not like that's unusual. I groan again at the sharp pain in my side and open the door a little. 

" _What_ , Sadie. I'm busy." She scoffs and barges past me and into my room. "Hey!" I shout. Goddamnit, if she sees anything...

Rounding on me, eyes ablaze, she opens her mouth, but closes it when she takes in my appearance. Her eyes narrow and I instinctively cross my arms over my chest. She has that same stupid soul searching thing as Steven. Or maybe I'm just paranoid everyone can see every dirty inch of me.

"What's wrong with you lately?" I raise both of my eyebrows at that. How can I even answer that? I'd have to give her a fucking novel on what's wrong with me. What's _been_ wrong with me for years. "Don't look at me like that! Like I'm stupid." I sneer a little. Wasn't giving her any kind of look, damn. My eyes glance down to where she's standing and my stomach drops a little. I quickly look back up, hoping she didn't notice. Her foot isn't even a centimeter away from the blood stains on my floor. It's gotta be all crusted over by now, maybe, but... It's dark enough, I tell myself. There's no way she can see it. As long as she doesn't look down. "Lars, something's wrong with you!" Yeah, no shit Sadie. "Everyone's noticing!" Wait... "Even Steven talked to me about it, Lars. I didn't know what to say because even I don't know! I... I thought we were friends. I don't know. Maybe I am stupid." She bites her lip and god I feel like a heel. "Ronaldo said you ran past him crying yesterday..." Ugh, fucking snitch.

"Look, Sadie, we _are_ friends-" I try to start, but she cuts me off.

"Well you don't act like it! You barely speak to me anymore! You used to tell me what's wrong. You used to trust me, Lars. What happened? It can't be the Island Incident. You stopped talking to me even before then..." 

I never told you the truth, Sadie. I never trusted you with what's wrong with me. Fuck. I don't know what to say. I can't tell her any of that! She'd probably cry. Or slap me. I'd honestly prefer she slap me. Or punch me. 

"We don't hang out anymore. You always leave me by myself at work. Even when you're there. It feels like I'm by myself. It-It's like you hate being around me." She wipes her hand across her eyes, shoulders trembling. I just blink. 

Do you ever feel alone... even when you're around people? 

"Are you punishing me for something?" she asks. I rub my upper arm, itching to slice into my skin again. I keep my mouth shut tightly as her shoulders keep shaking and she keeps wiping her face. 

"Not everything's about you, Sadie," I say quietly. I hear her suck in a sharp breath and I yell in surprise, not expecting her to grab me by the front of my sweater and pull me down to her height. 

"I **know!** Because everything's about you, right!? What you want and what you feel! You don't care about anyone else-" I push her off and she falls onto the floor. Everything just... seems to stop. We stare at each other, eyes wide. But... Sadie grimaces, lifting her hand to look at it. 

Oh no... You've gotta be fucking kidding me. 

She scrambles up off the floor and before I can even think to move she rips the blanket off my window. Sunlight floods the room and I shut my eyes tight from the pain. 

"What the hell?" she mumbles. I look anywhere else. My eyes widen more as I notice all the blood on my sheets. I look down at my arm, lines of blood have soaked through my sleeve. I hug myself tighter. "Lars..." Her voice is so soft. "What is this? Are you hurt? Is that why you didn't come to work? This... is a lot of blood." I grimace and dig my nails into my sides. She looks over to my bed, covering her mouth as she no doubt sees the state my sheets are in. 

"I'm _fine_ " I snap. "I'm not hurt. Will you just leave already?" Her hand is suddenly on my shoulder and I feel sick. 

"Lars, there's blood all over your floor and your bed... A lot of it." 

"It's paint," I quickly say. I look at her face and she frowns at me. 

"Paint doesn't smell like metal. Like **blood**. I'm not an idiot so quit acting like I am. Where are you hurt?" I keep my mouth clamped shut and try keeping my panic at bay. She can't find out. No one can. Oh god I don't know what to do! My brain can't think fast enough and everything I can say will sound like a lie I'm so fucked up right now. "Alright." She lets go of my arm and I look up. She's holding her phone. What the hell. "If you don't wanna tell me, I can just call 911 right now. It's obviously serious if you aren't saying anything, because if it was small you'd be bitching about it." I'm totally frozen. I can't go to a hospital! She has the phone dialed and up to her ear. My heart races and I quickly snatch the device out of her hand and press 'end call'. I expect her to yell at me, but she doesn't say anything. Opening my mouth to snap at her again, I stop once I see her face. Her eyes are zeroed in on my bloody sleeve and it feels like all the blood drains from my whole body. Every inch of me has gone cold. 

"Oh my god," she says weakly. "Please tell me that's not what I think it is." 

I... I can't move. I can't move at all. My heart is pounding out of my chest and my head is full of cotton. I breathe harshly, staring at nothing. 

"Lars!" There's hands on my arms gently shaking me. "Lars? Lars, you need to breathe! You're having a panic attack!" I feel myself start to fall back, but Sadie holds onto me, setting me on the bed. "Lars, if you can hear me, try to breathe with me, ok? In, one-two- three, out one-two-three." 

I try to breathe to the best of my ability, but it's a struggle and I can't quite get it. Eventually I come back, trembling and still scared, but I can think. I try to not panic again. 

"...Hey, you're ok. It's ok." Sadie's warm hands are on my forearms. I try to yank them away, but she grips them gently. "God, Lars, I..." Her eyes well with tears and I try again in vain to get away from her. From this whole situation. 

"D-Don't. Sadie. I'm fine." She lets out a cry and I cringe. 

"You're not! You're not _fine_! Stop pretending!" All of the sudden she pushes up my sleeve and lets out a sob. "This isn't fine, Lars! This isn't ok. You could kill yourself!" 

I hold myself back from saying that maybe that's the point. I end up rolling my eyes and staring down at her. Her eyes are crushing me, making me feel like the biggest asshole in the world. Which. I mean. Yeah. 

"Sadie, I've been doing this a long time. I'm not gonna slip up, ok? It doesn't matter." 

"Doesn't matter?!" She shrieks. I flinch back and she shoves my arm into my face. "You're cutting yourself! How can that not matter! You're deliberately hurting yourself! Oh my god, how long have you been doing this?" Tears spill down her face and I sigh harshly, wishing I could just disappear. 

"Years, ok?! Four fucking years and no one noticed! Jesus, Sadie! You can't-you can't just barge into my room and start throwing this shit in my face! Who cares?! I'm just another statistic! So _what_!" Sadie whimpers and rests her head on my knee, hugging me around my waist. 

"But... But the Island. I never saw any..." I lean back, pushing my hand through my curls. 

"I stopped cutting my arms for a while... I thought someone would catch me so I just did it somewhere else... Look, can we quit talking about this? It doesn't matter anyways." 

Sadie rubs her face into my jean-clad knee, still letting out small sobs and whimpers and I'm sorrys. I absentmindedly pet her hair and blankly look at my wall. I sigh again. I don't know what to do to make this better. 

"It's not your fault, Sadie. I'm just fucked up..." 

Sadie just cries harder at my words. 

We stay like that forever. Sadie crying her heart out and me forcing myself as far from the situation as I can. I'm probably crying, but I try to not think about it. 

No one was ever supposed to find out. And now she's going to make me stop. 

I don't want to stop. I don't ever want to stop. I can't. 

I'm so fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoo boy what a doozy

**Author's Note:**

> let me know what you think. planning on writing more but we'll see


End file.
